blaze like meteors and be gay

昨日、母方の祖父は亡くなった。今朝、出勤前にそれを知った。
My grandfather on my mother's side passed away yesterday. I found out this morning before work. 

ロードオブザリングで出てきそうな髭ぼうぼうの、とても陽気な仙人みたいな祖父だった。木で物を造ったり、山奥ででっかいヘラジカを狩ったりするのが好きだった。年老いても元気に笑ってた。握手がひどく強くて僕は幼い頃からその握手だけは怖くて絶対嫌だった。
He had a tremendous white beard like a character from Lord of the Rings, sort of like a mountain man. A laughing mountain man. He used to love woodworking, hunting elk... He lived vigorously. And he had an iron handshake. In my very young years I lived in terror of that handshake. 

僕がもう少し大人になったら祖父には深淵があることに気づいた。幼い頃の記憶の中で祖父はずっとラフな笑い声で暖かく笑っていたが、何か物悲しいところも感じるようになってきた。長い人生色々見てきただろう。全体的な印象は一言で言えば多分「寛容」だった。

In my younger memories he seemed always to be laughing, in his rough good-natured voice. But as I got a bit older, I began to sense depths to him. He sometimes seemed to have a nuance of sadness about him. I suppose he saw a lot in his long life. Were I to try to put my impression of him in a word, it might be "tolerant".

深淵はあったが、僕は結局その深淵を探ることはなかった。家族親戚と話すのが苦手で、話したくても言葉が出なくて逃げたくなるだけ。家族親戚のみんなはきっと僕のことを変だと思っているに違いない。
He had depths, but I ended up never plumbing them. I've always found it very difficult to speak with family and relatives, even if I really want to. Words don't come, and I just end up with a strong desire to flee. I'm sure they all think I'm a weirdo. 

その祖父は本当は母親の継父だった。うちの母親にとってとてもいい父親になったらしい。そして母の母にとっても、とてもいい旦那になったらしい。世の中の父、世の中の夫はみんないいとは限らない。最悪な奴もうんといる。だからその祖父に恵まれていたと僕は思う。家族のためになる男は素晴らしいと思う。そうじゃない僕こそ切実に思う。
He was actually my mother's stepfather. He turned out to be a wonderful husband to my grandmother, so my mom really loved him. He was good for his family. The same can't always be said of every husband and father. I think men who are good for their families are to be greatly admired. I feel that especially strongly because I never have been such a one. 

祖父を愛していたが、充分に伝えることは一度もできなかったと思う。会うのも二、三年に一度くらいだった。愛はどんなに感じてもちゃんと表さなくては意味がないんだ。言葉だの行動だのに出さなくては伝わらないままなのだ。祖父は情が深くて、すぐに愛情を言葉に表すことのできる人だったと思う。
I loved my grandfather, but I never once properly showed it. I only even saw him maybe once every two or three years. You have to express love. Just feeling it isn't enough. If it doesn't come out in word or deed, it's the same as if it wasn't there. I think he was capable of saying things like that, at least (or especially?) in the last times I saw him. 

最後に会ったとき、その後日本に帰ってから実は祖父に手紙を出そうと思った。取り立てて書くこともないんだけど、ただ出そうと思っただけだ。でも何を書けばいいかまったく浮かばなくて結局(いつものパターンに)書かなかった。「おじいちゃん、やあ!」でも何でも書けば良かったのに。
When I came back to Japan after the last time I saw him, I actually felt like sitting down and writing him a letter. Not that I had anything in particular to say—I just wanted to write one. But (as per my usual pattern) I never did. The words wouldn't come. Anything would have been fine, actually. Even just, "Hey, Grandpa!"

今や僕が出す手紙は祖父には届かない。

No letter of mine will ever reach him now.