下痢飛ばせ!

すべての涙が記されている本

 

(神の本)

 

読んでは目がくらまされる本

redundant systems and safety features

 

gradually eliminated

 

(nothing has gone wrong so far)


昔書いたたわいないストーリー。英語だけどもし良ければ。

Here's a dumb story I wrote back in the day. Have a read if the spirit moves you.


A salesman comes to the front gate of a pigsty and knocks respectfully. After a long moment a young pig opens the gate and says, “Oink?”

The salesman peers into the pigsty, noticing that in the mud at the far end a little pig is gorging himself on steaming cuts of roast beef stacked high on a plate. What looks to be his sister lies on her stomach with her face cradled on her front hooves, watching enviously. “Pardon me, sir,” says the salesman to the young pig, “but is the head of the household in?”

The young pig snorts. “She went to market. Why?” He looks suspicious and speaks in rude grunts. “Who are you?” The salesman cuts a drab figure, in his cheap suit, homburg hat, and faux-Italian shoes, his sample case held under his arm like a football. The young pig, like all pigs, hates football. “Selling something?”

Well, what the hey, thinks the salesman. “Sir, I’m here today as a representative of the Hoover vacuum cleaner company, and I’ve stopped by to inform you of Hoover’s exciting new Triple-Brush cleaning technology. You look like the type of fellow who appreciates new technology, am I right?” Without waiting for an answer the salesman forges on. “More than that, sir, you look like the type of guy who likes to save a little money, and don’t we all? Now if I can beg five minutes of your time, just five minutes, I can guarantee you won’t—“

The young pig slams the gate shut.

After five years in this line, the salesman has grown used to such rejection. He straightens his hat and turns to leave. As he treads the path back around the side of the barn to the road, a tiny piglet comes speeding around the corner, blubbering and squealing, “Wee, wee, wee!” It dashes past him and into the pigsty, slamming the gate behind it.

“Just typical,” the salesman mutters to himself as he continues down the path. “I’ll bet they never even saw a vacuum cleaner before, from the look of the place.” He trudges to the road and sets out for the next farm a mile distant.